How I Make It Through

This house-purchase stuff really is all-consuming. There are not many times in any given day when I am not either doing something to help save for the house, or thinking about how to help save for the house. The seller is hinting at wanting to move up her moving out date, which cuts in on our savings time. I have been exercising a LOT of self-denial. If I want something, I think "Do I need it now or can it wait a few months?" and also "Do I want it more than I want to own a house?" and 95% of the time, the money is saved, not spent. It makes me a bit of a martyr, living a nun-like lifestyle, but it's not going to be forever and if we can pull this off, the payoff is grand. And lest anyone think I'm denying myself too much, I did just buy 4 new pairs of jeans because I needed them, I'm going to a friend's play tonight because it's the kind of thing that can't wait a few months, and I do plan to get myself new contacts next month because I can't see so good and that's not the kind of thing that is more important than a  house :)

I do get awful scared. I worked through a breakdown earlier in the week to come to the conclusion that, no, if it turns out we cannot afford to buy this house, that doesn't not make us bad people and is not our fault in any way. We can afford what we can afford and it is smarter to live within our means than outside them, which I have to keep reminding myself. I am doing my best to grin and bear it at the bookstore and having a really cool, understanding staff really helps. I wish people would stop telling me I look tired though. Of course I do. I know I do. Do we need to point it out? And I am always trying to think of what else I could do to earn more or save more. Really there isn't anything outside of selling my body, but I keep trying. I want to have the best possible shot at this. 

So a lot of stress and hard work. And under all this duress, I have some nice things to keep me going. The special events in my life have become even more special because I look so much more forward to them, having fewer and fewer good things to look forward to. And, as much as I dislike the cold weather fall brings, it does accompany some really awesome seasonal food.

I think of the near future in chunks. I guess it helps me get through. There's the Birthday/Halloween chunk we're in now. Then it runs up to Thanksgiving. Then up to Christmas (which is going to be painfully spare). And after that, it's house time, pretty much. And really if you think about it, that means I only have three chunks to get through before this long hard thing is over? That's not so bad. Granted, the three chunks are weeks long and involve a lot of tiredness, and doing without and stress, but after only three of those hard sleepy stressful chunks, which are broken up by about the best three special events of the year in my opinion, it's over.

I'm just talking myself in circles, convincing myself I can do this. But it helps.

Oh and, make your preferences known now. 'Cause you're all getting baked goods this year. Baked goods and Schocholautte CDs :)

I Am A Gift To The Universe. Behold And Cherish Me.

This is the affirmation we say at the end of my exercise class and it brings tears to my eyes every time to say this aloud, to mean it, to feel that good about myself.

I have been a busy girl with not much time for happiness. Working 2 jobs, producing a play, supporting a band, it just doesn't leave much time for anything. So I am trying to appreciate the things I do have that make me happy, such as:

• Zumba. It makes me feel good, it's good for me. I wouldn't say I'm addicted to the sweat, at least not yet. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather not go. But afterwards I ALWAYS feel better. I always have a good time and I always feel proud of myself for doing something to make me strong and healthy.
• New pants! The other day I went to get dressed and once again faced the fact that, with cold weather coming on, I have only one pair of jeans suitable for everyday wear that still fits and I work in a very casual office. But instead of lamenting and trying to work around it, I just went online, found some sales and ordered some new damn jeans. Saving money is one thing, but not having enough clothes to wear day to day is another. And it felt good for me to spend that money on myself, to realize that saving for the house is important, but my own comfort and happiness is also just as important.
• FOOTBALL! As in every season, I won't get to see my team play every week, but it is a free form of entertainment and socializing and I intend at least to see every nationally televised game, maybe also catching a few others at a local bar.
• Kris. The limited time I do get to spend with him is always quality. He takes good care of me and he makes me laugh and in a hard time, that is one of the most valuable things a girl could ask for. He is also being a great relief to me, taking care of a lot of the household duties we would usually split more evenly but I now have less time for because of my schedule.
• My birthday. It gets me excited every year and I think this year I'm looking especially forward to it because, well because it's a guaranteed good thing to look forward to. I may be busy and crazy and stressed and sleep deprived for much of the time, but I know that time will be filled with happiness and love because of all the wonderful people in my life.

Time to go to bed now. I hope you are as lucky as I am to have such wonderful happy thoughts to send you off to bed with.