Normal

You know how you'll be in a place and all of a sudden it'll remind you of another, more memorable time when you were in that place and sometimes it's so strong it makes you feel like you're in that past moment for just a second? That just happened to me in the bathroom. Perhaps I should explain.

I am always the first one to admit I hated my job. I didn't enjoy doing it, I didn't enjoy being there, I didn't enjoy getting to and from there. I will also readily admit to not being a morning person, anyone who's lived with me or spent so much as an overnight with me knows this to be true. But there was this moment, in the morning, that I used to have. The bathroom window is the only one from which I can really see the morning sun well. And as I would stand there and brush my teeth and force my contacts into my sleepy eyes, I would be able to see the morning sun and it would make me feel good. I never really noticed it at the time, I never missed it until it was gone, and I never really connected it with anything until now.

That morning sun, that quiet time alone, that routine are all things that are lost to me now. I don't have to get up or get ready the way I used to. I don't have "normal" days anymore. In fact, even for unemployment, I haven't had a normal day in a while. I was busy and preoccupied with throwing my sister's wedding shower and after that I got incredibly sick and my recovery depended on avoiding anything resembling an early-morning routine. But today I felt good, I got up early and got myself ready, I went out and did a bunch of stuff, and then I came home and made dinner. Normal. And I guess it was that return to my new normal that made me realize what had changed from the old normal.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss getting up and going to work. I miss having a purpose and a routine and doing something that matters to anyone. I have been too busy, too lazy, and too scared to actively pursue a new job. True, I have had more pressing matters to attend to. Also true, that I have been doing a lot of research and laying a good foundation for a job search so that I have the best chance at finding the right job for me. But I have also been avoiding it to a certain degree and I think this feeling is a signal that I'm ready to look again. Ready to find a new normal.