I do get awful scared. I worked through a breakdown earlier in the week to come to the conclusion that, no, if it turns out we cannot afford to buy this house, that doesn't not make us bad people and is not our fault in any way. We can afford what we can afford and it is smarter to live within our means than outside them, which I have to keep reminding myself. I am doing my best to grin and bear it at the bookstore and having a really cool, understanding staff really helps. I wish people would stop telling me I look tired though. Of course I do. I know I do. Do we need to point it out? And I am always trying to think of what else I could do to earn more or save more. Really there isn't anything outside of selling my body, but I keep trying. I want to have the best possible shot at this.
So a lot of stress and hard work. And under all this duress, I have some nice things to keep me going. The special events in my life have become even more special because I look so much more forward to them, having fewer and fewer good things to look forward to. And, as much as I dislike the cold weather fall brings, it does accompany some really awesome seasonal food.
I think of the near future in chunks. I guess it helps me get through. There's the Birthday/Halloween chunk we're in now. Then it runs up to Thanksgiving. Then up to Christmas (which is going to be painfully spare). And after that, it's house time, pretty much. And really if you think about it, that means I only have three chunks to get through before this long hard thing is over? That's not so bad. Granted, the three chunks are weeks long and involve a lot of tiredness, and doing without and stress, but after only three of those hard sleepy stressful chunks, which are broken up by about the best three special events of the year in my opinion, it's over.
I'm just talking myself in circles, convincing myself I can do this. But it helps.
Oh and, make your preferences known now. 'Cause you're all getting baked goods this year. Baked goods and Schocholautte CDs :)