Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Important Birthday Stuff

Wow. Almost an entire MONTH between updates. And yet, day-to-day, you're not missing much. I am always too busy and too tired, a byproduct of restarting my employ at the Bookstore Cafe. The housing sitch continues to make me a constant nervous wreck, but I'm trying to handle it. We're trying to think of a way to get any house, as it's starting to look as if we can't really afford our particular house. Which is OK. We'd rather have a house we can handle and that feels like it's ours. 

Some of you may have noticed, I recently got a little older. It's made me think, as thinking is really all I have time to do for myself lately. I think I have come tremendously far as a person, but with that comes the vision to be able to see that I have even further to go. And the person I used to be might be disappointed by that, by the idea that I"m not already perfect. But the person I am now is excited by that idea. I can learn more, I can get even better, I can turn into a so much cooler person.

I am thinking about BIG things a lot. House. Marriage. Kids. KIDS?! That idea still freaks me out. But it does so less than it used to, and the freak-out is mixed with some mild longing in that direction, for the not too distant future. I'd like to be a mother. Some time in the next ten years. And I can say that without flipping out.

Really, what I've been thinking about is giving myself what I want, getting what would make me happy. Sometimes it's replacing my sneakers with a new rad pair, sometimes it's getting my eyes checked so I can see properly, and sometimes it's pondering going back to school and changing career paths entirely. 

I wish on green M&M's. I used to wish to find true love. But since I met Kris (pause for audience retching), now I wish to be happy. It's seems that if you only get one wish, you should wish for the most important thing possible, and this to me seems to be the simplest, most important truth. Life is about being happy. And I need to learn to grant myself the things that will make this so. And then I think my green M&M wishes will become self-fulfilling.

So happy 29th birthday to me. My gift to myself is the gift of permission to pursue happiness. It's supposed to be an inalienable right, but it's not quite as easy as that. You have to let yourself. 

I also got one of these and one of these. Woo!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Dear Universe,

I need a favor. I feel like it's asking a lot, but I also feel like I need to learn when to ask for help and I need help so: help.

Twice in the past 24 hours I have completely lost my shit. Once was over what to do for dinner and the other was over a missed doctor's appointment. Minor things, really. But sending me into a crying, spiraling freakout. I haven't been this unstable in a while. In fact I've been really proud of how stable I've become. But, you know. 2 jobs. The play. The band. Buying a house. It's a lot to deal with. I have almost no time to myself. I have almost no room for error. I have almost no capacity to deal with anything that's not already on the table.

So here's the favor. I need you to not throw me any curveballs right now. I just can't take it. I can handle what I've got and I feel like that's rather impressively a lot right now. But that's it. Whether it be the freezer not shutting properly and staying open all day, or having to scramble to keep myself stocked up with birth control pills, I need that stuff to not happen. I need the day-to-day stuff to be easy. I need you to STOP IT with the crazy unexpected problems because I ain't got no room for it and it will turn me into a hysterical blubbering lunatic. And a hysterical blubbering lunatic is not very useful when trying to handle the 75 things I already have to deal with on a daily basis. 

Got it? Thanks, so much. This is only temporary, until things ease up. I'm thinking by the beginning of next year I'll be ready to handle whatever crazy shit you have to throw at me. 

Thanks a million tons,