Getting Better

Hmm, I thought it had been a while since my last post, but it's only been a week. Probably just feels longer because I've been so busy. 

Since my last post, I've been sick for a week. Better now, after an almost comical saga with the healthcare industry, wherein I accidentally made an appointment at a Spanish-speaking doctor's office with incompetent employees that made it feel like going to the doctor in Guatemala. But I got my meds and am feeling better.

And, as I am feeling better, so too is our country. My family and I and my friends and just about everybody I know is thrilled about the results of the election. I refrained from talking politics before the election because I dislike arguing over politics, it's just one of those things where in most cases, no one's mind will be changed. But I was for Obama the whole time and I couldn't be happier or prouder of our country. Of course, as Sars says "This is not over." but the country cast a vote for hope and hope it shall have.

It's been hectic with the second job and the play opening this weekend. (By the way, the play opens this weekend. You should go see it.) We're having Thanksgiving at our house this year and even though it's over two weeks away, it feels very close because there's so much to do. But it's OK because most of the stuff is cool and I'm looking forward to it. In general, and especially since recovering from being sick and savoring feeling healthy again, I'm a happy girl.

Please. Vote.

Tomorrow is Election Day. Please. Vote. It's so important. It's probably one of the most important things you can do, every year, but especially this year. I don't care who you vote for. Far be it from me to tell you who to vote for. I'm voting for Barack Obama, so if you were waiting to base your decision on what I would do, there you have it.

The youth vote (18-29) is said to count more than any other demographic. Chances are, if you are reading this, you are in that demographic. Your vote counts. It actually couldn't count more. If you don't like either of the two leading candidates, vote for someone else. There are others on the ballot. You can even write in someone's name. Even if you know those people won't win, at least you have made your voice heard that you don't think either guy is the right choice. It doesn't matter what you vote for or against, just that you vote.

Not everyone in this country has always had the right to vote. Women and african americans had to fight and endure discrimination and hardship to be rewarded with this right. And now a representative from each of those groups has a chance to be in the White House. To not vote is to disrespect history and the people who earned that right for you.

Everything in your life, everyone of your problems, your concerns, every issue you deal with in your life, goes back to the government. Voting gives you a say in who decides the things that will affect your life. Whether or not you can go back to school. Whether you can afford to buy a house. Whether you and your loved ones can get affordable and quality healthcare. Whether the country will remain embroiled in a war started under false pretenses. Whether or not you're going to be able to retire when you want to. Whether or not your parents will. Whether the taxes you pay as you get older and your taxes get more complicated will be higher or lower. Whether you will be able to do the things you want with your life. Or not. It is all determined by who controls the government. And that is determined by the people who vote.

Go to the polls. Vote. If you don't...there's no nice way to say it. You're a jerk.

If you won't listen to me, listen to these celebrities.





VOTE.

Important Birthday Stuff

Wow. Almost an entire MONTH between updates. And yet, day-to-day, you're not missing much. I am always too busy and too tired, a byproduct of restarting my employ at the Bookstore Cafe. The housing sitch continues to make me a constant nervous wreck, but I'm trying to handle it. We're trying to think of a way to get any house, as it's starting to look as if we can't really afford our particular house. Which is OK. We'd rather have a house we can handle and that feels like it's ours. 

Some of you may have noticed, I recently got a little older. It's made me think, as thinking is really all I have time to do for myself lately. I think I have come tremendously far as a person, but with that comes the vision to be able to see that I have even further to go. And the person I used to be might be disappointed by that, by the idea that I"m not already perfect. But the person I am now is excited by that idea. I can learn more, I can get even better, I can turn into a so much cooler person.

I am thinking about BIG things a lot. House. Marriage. Kids. KIDS?! That idea still freaks me out. But it does so less than it used to, and the freak-out is mixed with some mild longing in that direction, for the not too distant future. I'd like to be a mother. Some time in the next ten years. And I can say that without flipping out.

Really, what I've been thinking about is giving myself what I want, getting what would make me happy. Sometimes it's replacing my sneakers with a new rad pair, sometimes it's getting my eyes checked so I can see properly, and sometimes it's pondering going back to school and changing career paths entirely. 

I wish on green M&M's. I used to wish to find true love. But since I met Kris (pause for audience retching), now I wish to be happy. It's seems that if you only get one wish, you should wish for the most important thing possible, and this to me seems to be the simplest, most important truth. Life is about being happy. And I need to learn to grant myself the things that will make this so. And then I think my green M&M wishes will become self-fulfilling.

So happy 29th birthday to me. My gift to myself is the gift of permission to pursue happiness. It's supposed to be an inalienable right, but it's not quite as easy as that. You have to let yourself. 

I also got one of these and one of these. Woo!

VVVVVVOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Dear Universe,

I need a favor. I feel like it's asking a lot, but I also feel like I need to learn when to ask for help and I need help so: help.

Twice in the past 24 hours I have completely lost my shit. Once was over what to do for dinner and the other was over a missed doctor's appointment. Minor things, really. But sending me into a crying, spiraling freakout. I haven't been this unstable in a while. In fact I've been really proud of how stable I've become. But, you know. 2 jobs. The play. The band. Buying a house. It's a lot to deal with. I have almost no time to myself. I have almost no room for error. I have almost no capacity to deal with anything that's not already on the table.

So here's the favor. I need you to not throw me any curveballs right now. I just can't take it. I can handle what I've got and I feel like that's rather impressively a lot right now. But that's it. Whether it be the freezer not shutting properly and staying open all day, or having to scramble to keep myself stocked up with birth control pills, I need that stuff to not happen. I need the day-to-day stuff to be easy. I need you to STOP IT with the crazy unexpected problems because I ain't got no room for it and it will turn me into a hysterical blubbering lunatic. And a hysterical blubbering lunatic is not very useful when trying to handle the 75 things I already have to deal with on a daily basis. 

Got it? Thanks, so much. This is only temporary, until things ease up. I'm thinking by the beginning of next year I'll be ready to handle whatever crazy shit you have to throw at me. 

Thanks a million tons,

~me

How I Make It Through

This house-purchase stuff really is all-consuming. There are not many times in any given day when I am not either doing something to help save for the house, or thinking about how to help save for the house. The seller is hinting at wanting to move up her moving out date, which cuts in on our savings time. I have been exercising a LOT of self-denial. If I want something, I think "Do I need it now or can it wait a few months?" and also "Do I want it more than I want to own a house?" and 95% of the time, the money is saved, not spent. It makes me a bit of a martyr, living a nun-like lifestyle, but it's not going to be forever and if we can pull this off, the payoff is grand. And lest anyone think I'm denying myself too much, I did just buy 4 new pairs of jeans because I needed them, I'm going to a friend's play tonight because it's the kind of thing that can't wait a few months, and I do plan to get myself new contacts next month because I can't see so good and that's not the kind of thing that is more important than a  house :)

I do get awful scared. I worked through a breakdown earlier in the week to come to the conclusion that, no, if it turns out we cannot afford to buy this house, that doesn't not make us bad people and is not our fault in any way. We can afford what we can afford and it is smarter to live within our means than outside them, which I have to keep reminding myself. I am doing my best to grin and bear it at the bookstore and having a really cool, understanding staff really helps. I wish people would stop telling me I look tired though. Of course I do. I know I do. Do we need to point it out? And I am always trying to think of what else I could do to earn more or save more. Really there isn't anything outside of selling my body, but I keep trying. I want to have the best possible shot at this. 

So a lot of stress and hard work. And under all this duress, I have some nice things to keep me going. The special events in my life have become even more special because I look so much more forward to them, having fewer and fewer good things to look forward to. And, as much as I dislike the cold weather fall brings, it does accompany some really awesome seasonal food.

I think of the near future in chunks. I guess it helps me get through. There's the Birthday/Halloween chunk we're in now. Then it runs up to Thanksgiving. Then up to Christmas (which is going to be painfully spare). And after that, it's house time, pretty much. And really if you think about it, that means I only have three chunks to get through before this long hard thing is over? That's not so bad. Granted, the three chunks are weeks long and involve a lot of tiredness, and doing without and stress, but after only three of those hard sleepy stressful chunks, which are broken up by about the best three special events of the year in my opinion, it's over.

I'm just talking myself in circles, convincing myself I can do this. But it helps.

Oh and, make your preferences known now. 'Cause you're all getting baked goods this year. Baked goods and Schocholautte CDs :)

I Am A Gift To The Universe. Behold And Cherish Me.

This is the affirmation we say at the end of my exercise class and it brings tears to my eyes every time to say this aloud, to mean it, to feel that good about myself.

I have been a busy girl with not much time for happiness. Working 2 jobs, producing a play, supporting a band, it just doesn't leave much time for anything. So I am trying to appreciate the things I do have that make me happy, such as:

• Zumba. It makes me feel good, it's good for me. I wouldn't say I'm addicted to the sweat, at least not yet. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather not go. But afterwards I ALWAYS feel better. I always have a good time and I always feel proud of myself for doing something to make me strong and healthy.
• New pants! The other day I went to get dressed and once again faced the fact that, with cold weather coming on, I have only one pair of jeans suitable for everyday wear that still fits and I work in a very casual office. But instead of lamenting and trying to work around it, I just went online, found some sales and ordered some new damn jeans. Saving money is one thing, but not having enough clothes to wear day to day is another. And it felt good for me to spend that money on myself, to realize that saving for the house is important, but my own comfort and happiness is also just as important.
• FOOTBALL! As in every season, I won't get to see my team play every week, but it is a free form of entertainment and socializing and I intend at least to see every nationally televised game, maybe also catching a few others at a local bar.
• Kris. The limited time I do get to spend with him is always quality. He takes good care of me and he makes me laugh and in a hard time, that is one of the most valuable things a girl could ask for. He is also being a great relief to me, taking care of a lot of the household duties we would usually split more evenly but I now have less time for because of my schedule.
• My birthday. It gets me excited every year and I think this year I'm looking especially forward to it because, well because it's a guaranteed good thing to look forward to. I may be busy and crazy and stressed and sleep deprived for much of the time, but I know that time will be filled with happiness and love because of all the wonderful people in my life.

Time to go to bed now. I hope you are as lucky as I am to have such wonderful happy thoughts to send you off to bed with.